Jump up! Jump up! Caribana 2005

I love Caribana.

Not necessarily the parade or parties, but the energy that flows through the city. From earlier last week, something felt different. There were more people in the city (read: American tourists -- you know you can pick them out real easy); there were more cars blocking up traffic in the downtown core; there was more American money flowing into hotels, restaurants and shops.

Unfortunately, none of that money goes to the Caribana planning committee but that, friends, is another story for another day. It wasn’t going to be a rundown, dragged out parade weekend like back in 1997 when I was just young and lawless – no, there was no drinking or carousing that year -- we were just out every night until the wee hours of the morning.

But this was still going to be a fun-filled, joke-filled weekend, starting on Friday night with the Steve Nash Charity Game and culminating yesterday with a little shopping trip to beautiful (ha!) Buffalo, NY.

And, of course, Caribana is another place that I can conduct social anthropological studies, while enjoying the foolishness. Last time, I documented the dating rituals of Black people at Blingles and this weekend it was all about the mating rituals of people enjoying the 38th annual Caribana parade.

But when you have seriously hot men (check Soli’s blog for some pictures of Ren and Aringe aka Chris) – scratch that, when you have thousands of men and thousands of women converging on a city for a weekend of fun, there is going to be some serious mating rituals that create hundreds of fashion disasters. There were many fashion ‘oh hell nos!’, pure hateration going on and some things that just made me start to laugh because they were so lawless and disgusting.

Anyhoo, let the jokes begin!

Sexy does not equal scandalous

Now, I’ve never been a person that liked to expose skin. Even back in my younger days, I’d still wear something I thought was sexy, but let’s not beat around the bush – I looked like someone’s little sister who snuck into the club.

I knew if I wore the little top that showed my chest and the micro mini skirt, I’d feel comfortable at home. But as soon as some guy sized me up, licked his lips and proceeded to proposition me, I’d fold my arms around myself and want to wear my sweater. So, I may show some leg or a little cleavage, but for the most part, I like to be covered.

And I feel sexy.

Some other ladies feel no way exposing some booty or breast but it’s in a classy way – maybe a tight tube top and jeans or short shorts with a long top. Like this girl, who looks great in her tank and mini skirt. Her friend, on the other hand, needs some help. Why is a panty and clear heels acceptable? It is not.

The word is balance, ladies.

But, you know, there are some women who don’t understand that sexy is not a synonym for “I’m going to wear as little as is legally allowable.” Honestly, I think it’s too much BET and MuchVibe that is encouraging the lawlessness that I saw this weekend.

So that I don’t have to go through this next year and have Soli the photographer catch you on film, here are some fashion tips:

1. Just because it's in your size doesn't mean you should wear it. I'm a relatively small girl, but there are some outfits that I just won't wear (see the picture above). You see, just because you can fit yourself into it doesn't mean that it's appealing to the eye, you know. But some people don't know when enough is enough.

Like this young woman. Don't get me wrong, I love to see people embracing their bodies and not trying to be a size 2. But, lawd, some things should just be stopped. Yes, she's big and there were plenty of big girls at the parade who were wearing shorts and tank tops and they looked good.

If you are falling out of your clothes in rolls or you look like a stuffed sausage, it isn't sexy. You are a hot mess and it's not necessary. I understand that everyone wants to be in hot girl clothes and thing, but c'mon.

I blame the friends. This young woman was travelling with a companion, why couldn't her friend say, 'yo, that doesn't look good'? No, the friend encouraged it... but then again, maybe she didn't want to hear it...

As I was writing this, I started to feel bad -- as if I was being unnecessarily mean to people. I mean, some folks just don't know what is and isn't appropriate. I'm certainly not the most fashionable person in T-Dot -- I try to hold my own and I try to wear things that look good and are sexy without being offensive.

But then I thought about the young lady who wore a panty to the parade. You read it right, she was wearing just a hot pink panty and a bright pink thong. Attention whores, that's what it's all about. These people wanted this attention -- just like the dude who was drunk and was screaming 'water! beer! weed!' Chupse. Idiot.

They are looking for people to look at them, that's why they get dressed up in some of these outrageous outfits. My guilt is quickly fleeting...

2. Undergarments are meant for wearing under your garments -- not as your garment. Now, the girls and I were walking the parade route just looking around and enjoying the sights, when three young ladies -- as loud as they wanted to be -- busted through.

I was in shock. One was wearing a fuchsia pink panty as shorts with a pink thong.

Lawd have mercy.

All I hope is that she bought this panty for Caribana and that it wasn't one that was in daily use. God knows I didn't want to view her hard, musty, used panty in my eye on a hot summer day. Solitaire said she didn't think it was a new panty 'cause it was all 'easy breezy'. LOL!!

This was the first of two times this weekend that I saw underclothes masquerading as clothes. Sunday night I went to a party with the boyfriend, his sister and their cousins. One young lady decided to park in front of me. I was horrified. My girl was wearing a lovely blue crocheted tank top... and a G-string.

Just a G-string. Oh, and some heels.

All of her hard, gibbly booty was smack dab in my eye. Chupse. The sad thing was, girlfriend obviously did this for attention, right? Dudes would pass by, take a quick look, call a friend over, laugh and keep moving. She had to feel dry, 'cause when you're dressed like that, I don't care what you tell me, you're not doing it because you like the outfit.

Please. You are totally doing it because you want guys to carry on and whoop and holler behind you. One of the girls I went to the parade with said it succinctly, "sexy doesn't equal slutty", but a lot of people don't understand that. You can show some skin and still look like a lady doing it. But when men on Yonge St. are pointing to their crotches and saying 'I have something sweet and tasty for you right here', you really have to reassess your image.

So when no one seems too interested in what you're sporting and you're naked, you've gotta feel dry. I actually felt sorry for G-string girl, because she was pretty. No one knew what she looked like because all attention was on the naked booty. There was no reason for her to look like that -- trust, she would have gotten more attention if she was wearing some booty shorts with that.

Too bad I don't have a picture... but this is a G-rated blog anyway.

3. I don't need to see your cellulite, I have my own. Let's be real, 90% of women, regardless of how big or small they are have cellulite. It's part of being a woman. But I don't know why some people believe that your cellulite needs to be shown to the world.

Why?

'Cause it doesn't look good. It looks bad. It looks wrong. And it's unnecessary.

I was going to give this woman a bly, 'cause she had looked good from the front. But then I saw the back and all hell broke loose. Really, all she needed was a bigger size and the problem would have been solved.

There were many more fashion blunders, but to document all of them would take me until next week. So, this was just a high-level study of some hot, horrible messes that people feel that they can pull out just because it's Caribana weekend.

So, next year, make sure that you look proper 'pon de road or else it may be you on this blog. Wuhloss!