Be Happy - Mary J. Blige

Lawd, people, it's been a while, huh? All this training and ting, has made me a lethargic blogger, but, thankfully, I'm back at my desk, enjoying my regular job. Back to blogging I go...

How can I love somebody else

If I can't love myself enough to know

When it's time,

Time to let go

Sing

All I really want

is to be happy

And to find a love that's mine

It would be so sweet

- Be Happy, Mary J. Blige

Ahhh... Mary. That's my girl. Back in the day, I would rock her My Life cassette on the way to work, school and home. Poor Mary was always going through some kinda drama -- K-Ci terrorizing her backside, drug abuse, emotional abuse...

My life was never as dramatic as Mary's, but I could have rivalled her misery -- at least in my 20-year-old mind.

At the beginning of my 20s, I was totally and only concerned with what people thought of me. Was I cool enough, pretty enough, funny enough -- I spent so much time worrying my head about being what someone else wanted me to be, I was miserable constantly.

I dated guys I wasn't really, truly interested in. I tried to be the person they wanted me to be so that they would stay interested in me. And everytime I did or said something that was out of my character, I would feel like I lost a piece of myself.

And my misery would grow and become consuming.

At about age 26, after a couple of so-called romances -- if you could even call them that -- lord, the things you learn after you stop talking to someone. Ladies, if you mention a man's name and three out of four women bawl out, "You were talking to him too!" or "I know him!" or "Good grief, he gets around!" You understand what I'm saying.

I was tired of being tired about the state of affairs in my love life (it's always about the love life, isn't it?). I had a good job, I was travelling, I had friends that cared about me -- so what if the man wasn't there? Maybe I need to work on me, 'cause if all I'm attracting is bigheaded boys, something has got to change.

I needed to change. I needed to become the person who I was and get rid of all the other crap that was crowding me out. So, I was on a man embargo for almost two years... it's not to say the brothers were knocking down my door trying to get to me and I had to wave them off. It was nothing like that.

That didn't even matter.

I wasn't thinking about romance -- I was thinking about me. I was happy getting to know myself. And yes, it may sound corny and Oprah-ish, but I learned to love me and appreciate me. I figured out who I was and I wasn't going to compromise for anyone because I loved myself more than I loved the idea of being with someone.

So, going out and not having someone check me wasn't a big deal. Hearing my girlfriends talk about their relationship drama was ok because I didn't want to be with anyone until I met the right person. I wasn't stressed out about what other people thought -- I took myself out to dinner at a nice Japanese restaurant. I stayed home and watched movies, not 'cause I was alone, but because I was happy hanging out with myself.

There were some days I did feel alone and wished there was that special someone for me to go out with. But thankfully, the misery only lasted a day or two, not for weeks.

All of this chatting to say, at some point, you have to come to love yourself and the state that you're in. Because, unfortunately, you can't make someone love you and you shouldn't base your feelings on what anyone says or does. Never let anyone else control how you feel about yourself. Once you learn to truly love the person God created you to be, someone else will love you.

I'm going to be 30 in a few months and I say "Hallelujah!" I thank God for getting older and the little wisdom I've gained over the years. I should say, the little wisdom God has bestowed on me, 'cause I was really a hot mess back in the day... heck, I'm probably a hot mess now, but I know how to hide it better. Maybe it isn't age -- maybe it's maturity... whatever. I'm just glad that I'm not the chick I used to be.

And now, I am happy ;)